Crapping on about sexuality...

The posted clip of Martha Wainwright earlier this month has really had me thinking about the concept of 'looking sexy' versus actually 'being sexual.'

All bodies have the wonderful capacity to both give and experience the joys of sexual pleasure. This concept seems like a complete no-brainer, and conceptually I've understood it for a looooong time. I'm a smart girl, I've read 'The Beauty Myth!' I get it!

But I've also been out with guys who engaged in sex as power play, and rolled their eyes and told me I was 'boring' in bed if I refused anal sex. I've had boyfriends in their early twenties who had been with a lot of girls, yet with limited sexual knowledge who asked me if I had 'a physical problem' when they realised I wouldn't come from straight intercourse. I've stood in an upmarket bar in Sydney at a girlfriend's birthday gathering, trying to pretend I belonged in a sea of tanned cleavages and glossy, GHD-styled hair while two guys held a conversation over the top of my head (as I tried to chat with them) about which girls in the group they thought were 'hot' and wanted to try and 'do.' I have definitely had my share of experiences where I have been relegated to being a sexual non-entity due to not looking or behaving the way 'sexy' is supposed to look and behave.

I know I'm pretty fortunate in the looks department. I have no complaints about my physical lot in this life. But I am short, pale, and dark-haired, with small breasts and have been regarded as 'too skinny' by myself and others for much of my thirty years. I don't wax, get manicures, wear high heels (except on special occasions where I expect to be doing a LOT of sitting down), lighten my hair, fake tan, wear g-strings or push-up bras, and I don't think I look especially good in a bikini. And actually, I don't think doing any of those things would make my orgasms any better.

Because I do have great sex. It's taken me a long time to stop putting on an act in bed of what I thought great sex should look like, as opposed to just experiencing what should be a mutual exchange of absolute pleasure (and sometimes love). I don't feel like I have to prove a point about being a 'wild and crazy girl' in the sack in order to manufacture sexual allure - it's innate in all people anyway, and the best sex happens when the chemistry is just right.

I wish I'd known this level of ease in my twenties when I was dating and, well... sleeping around. I'd have suffered less anxiety over my appearance both in social situations, and with my clothes off. I'd have been less likely to put up with guys who tried to imply it was somehow a failing on my part if they had no idea what they were doing. I'd have suffered less embarrassment over what I did and didn't like in bed. I'd have been much stronger and more assertive about saying no, and about saying yes.

Every person's sexuality is a continual evolution of their most personal self, and most personal beliefs. Sexuality isn't a commodified product that one can purchase and put on, and it's not a sport to be mastered. I wish I could neatly tie this entry up into a proper conclusion, but I expect that my lack of ability to do so is reflective of the subject matter. There is no current conclusion, because my development as a person, and by extension, my development as a sexual person, is ongoing...

PS I am absolutely not trying to imply that beautiful girls in their 20's with manicures, fake tans and highlighted hair who wear high heels and g-strings don't enjoy their sex lives. I'm sure they do! I only attempt to relay my own experience in this post. Cheers.