Crapping on about sexuality...

The posted clip of Martha Wainwright earlier this month has really had me thinking about the concept of 'looking sexy' versus actually 'being sexual.'

All bodies have the wonderful capacity to both give and experience the joys of sexual pleasure. This concept seems like a complete no-brainer, and conceptually I've understood it for a looooong time. I'm a smart girl, I've read 'The Beauty Myth!' I get it!

But I've also been out with guys who engaged in sex as power play, and rolled their eyes and told me I was 'boring' in bed if I refused anal sex. I've had boyfriends in their early twenties who had been with a lot of girls, yet with limited sexual knowledge who asked me if I had 'a physical problem' when they realised I wouldn't come from straight intercourse. I've stood in an upmarket bar in Sydney at a girlfriend's birthday gathering, trying to pretend I belonged in a sea of tanned cleavages and glossy, GHD-styled hair while two guys held a conversation over the top of my head (as I tried to chat with them) about which girls in the group they thought were 'hot' and wanted to try and 'do.' I have definitely had my share of experiences where I have been relegated to being a sexual non-entity due to not looking or behaving the way 'sexy' is supposed to look and behave.

I know I'm pretty fortunate in the looks department. I have no complaints about my physical lot in this life. But I am short, pale, and dark-haired, with small breasts and have been regarded as 'too skinny' by myself and others for much of my thirty years. I don't wax, get manicures, wear high heels (except on special occasions where I expect to be doing a LOT of sitting down), lighten my hair, fake tan, wear g-strings or push-up bras, and I don't think I look especially good in a bikini. And actually, I don't think doing any of those things would make my orgasms any better.

Because I do have great sex. It's taken me a long time to stop putting on an act in bed of what I thought great sex should look like, as opposed to just experiencing what should be a mutual exchange of absolute pleasure (and sometimes love). I don't feel like I have to prove a point about being a 'wild and crazy girl' in the sack in order to manufacture sexual allure - it's innate in all people anyway, and the best sex happens when the chemistry is just right.

I wish I'd known this level of ease in my twenties when I was dating and, well... sleeping around. I'd have suffered less anxiety over my appearance both in social situations, and with my clothes off. I'd have been less likely to put up with guys who tried to imply it was somehow a failing on my part if they had no idea what they were doing. I'd have suffered less embarrassment over what I did and didn't like in bed. I'd have been much stronger and more assertive about saying no, and about saying yes.

Every person's sexuality is a continual evolution of their most personal self, and most personal beliefs. Sexuality isn't a commodified product that one can purchase and put on, and it's not a sport to be mastered. I wish I could neatly tie this entry up into a proper conclusion, but I expect that my lack of ability to do so is reflective of the subject matter. There is no current conclusion, because my development as a person, and by extension, my development as a sexual person, is ongoing...

PS I am absolutely not trying to imply that beautiful girls in their 20's with manicures, fake tans and highlighted hair who wear high heels and g-strings don't enjoy their sex lives. I'm sure they do! I only attempt to relay my own experience in this post. Cheers.

Advertising my Friendship Services

I’ve just recently moved to Melbourne due to a job relocation, and although I love it here I don’t really know anyone, so I am offering my services for friendship, to anyone who has a gap to fill in their social circle!

A bit about me: I am a 30-year-old female Capricorn, and I enjoy the company of other women of pretty much any age. I’m aware that ‘30’ makes me seem frighteningly mature (to me), but I actually have managed to resist most trappings of ‘adultification.’ I rent a small but cute apartment, and I live alone, so I have no flatmates to contend with if I wish to allow friends to crash out on the couch! My politics are distinctly leftist, and I subscribe to a ‘sex-positive’ brand of feminism. I consider myself fun and easy to be around, a good listener, and a supportive and loyal friend. I live in the inner north-west of Melbourne, and although I don’t own a car, I am handy to the city, and to the suburbs of Collingwood, Fitzroy, Brunswick and Carlton. I have no issues with addiction or substance abuse, and have never been in trouble with the law (not so much as a parking fine here!).

What’s in it for you: I enjoy hosting friends in my own home, so I usually have wine on hand for visitors, and I enjoy cooking for others. I am a good cook, and I studied naturopathy for some time, so I can cater easily (and tastily!) for most dietary requirements. I have a large collection of books that I am very non-stuffy about lending out, and I generally prefer playing music to watching TV. I also have the entire ‘Sex and the City’ TV series on DVD, for repeated viewings at girly gatherings! I have a steady boyfriend who I love very much, so I will be unlikely to disrupt any ‘man dynamics’ on a night out. I love shopping for homewares in second-hand and retro furniture stores, and this is only equalled by my love for shopping for make-up! I am emotionally low-maintenance, and can usually be relied on to be a fun and goofy companion in a variety of social situations.

Stuff I like: Books on human sexuality, being up-to-date on current events, vintage clothing, jeans, flat shoes, doing cross-stitch, making earrings, sex toys, positivity, self-responsibility, Audrey Hepburn, art, Vogue and Rolling Stone magazines, floor cushions, glitter, candles, apple martinis, Oolong tea with dark chocolate, fresh flowers, kitty cats, the smell of rain on hot concrete, lip balm, sleeping in, bananas.

Stuff I can do without: Racism, intolerance, whinging, chewing gum, breast implants, the politics of John Howard, Scarlett Johansson, wearing a bra, bad coffee, sexism, doing the dishes, stepping in dog-poo, that ‘Tully’ book by Paullina Simmons, Hinder, irresponsible sexual health practices, and home decorating palettes based around the colour beige.

If you have further questions, would like references, or would like to see a photo, please feel free to email me on urban.fairygirl@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you and taking our communication to the next level in the friendship journey!

Martha Wainwright and Dan Kelly on 'RockWiz'

This is an oldie, but a goodie. Those of you who keep even half an eye on my on-line profile will be aware that I have referenced this clip of Martha Wainwright duetting with Dan Kelly before - but hey, I'm working on the premise that one can never have too much of a good thing! This appeared on an episode of Australian musical quiz show 'RockWiz' back in 2005, and it's a fantastic performance from Martha, back in the day before her image got 'Delta Goodremed' (ie generically sexified) for her current album release.

I actually think Martha, while not being the best of songwriters, is unequalled among current young female music artists in her ability to perform and interpret the songs of others on stage. I agree completely with comments I saw Rockwiz host Julia Zemiro make about seeing Martha in this act - I am paraphrasing heavily here, but she remarked that we are now SO used to seeing young women in music being packaged and heavily choreographed in a way that sells an image of looking sexy. Martha, however, is apparently wearing a vintage frock that few other women could pull off, doesn't seem to be wearing a bra, has fluffy Marianne Faithfull-style hair happening, and she is one of the most draw-droppingly sexual creatures I've ever seen. The way she moves her body is incredibly free and un-prescribed, and yet her magnetism is so complete that watching her is enough to make me want to climb through my TV screen and touch her. I can only imagine what it was like for those who were lucky enough to actually be in the audience that night.

Martha vs The Pussycat Dolls? Give me Ms Wainwright over the whole lot of them!